Here Are My Predictions of Headlines We Will See in 2018

Here Are My Predictions of Headlines We Will See in 2018

For those of you unable to tell, (and sadly, there will be some) this is pure satire.

July: The Senate voted 99-1 to honor America on Independence Day, with Kentucky Senator Rand Paul being the lone dissenter.  Paul’s spokesman said the Senator simply could not vote in favor of a bill that did not eliminate the deficit and abolish taxes altogether, no matter the worthiness of the bill.

August:  Record high temperatures across the nation were reported as climate scientists revised their predictions of global flooding by the year 2100.  New claims that the state of Florida could be underwater due to rising sea levels as early as 2025 prompted President Trump to ask Congress to build a dual-purpose wall around Palm Beach, Florida, keeping water out and undocumented low-cost workers in.

September: College football kicks off with the Alabama Crimson Tide being awarded the 2018 National Championship Trophy, despite having played any games as yet.  The Playoff Committee spokesman said, “Last year we established the Tide would be included in the playoffs no matter what, so we decided to just cut through the drama and the complaining and go ahead and give it to them.”  Ohio State fans responded by saying, “Ah, to hell with it.”

October: Democrat Senators are calling for President Trump to be impeached because of MSNBC’s report that three large trash bags full of Diet Coke cans were found while going through the White House garbage, citing Vladimir Putin’s preference for the low-calorie beverage as proof of Russian collusion.

November: Democrats, trounced in the mid-term elections, briefly took control of the Senate and House chambers, and locked arms in protest on their respective floors.  Capitol Police had to forcibly remove the Congressmen, resulting in several arrests.  In the spirit of Thanksgiving, President Trump pardoned those arrested, adding, “It is traditional for the President to issue pardons for turkeys at this time of the year.”

December:  Majority leaders in the House and Senate announce plans to introduce a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare in 2019, but were caught off camera saying, “As soon as we are sure we don’t have enough votes to pass the bill.  I mean, we’ve been winning by promising this for ten years now, why would we kill the golden goose?”

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