There is very, very little mystery surrounding how to stuff food into your face in a manner that promotes health. To be healthy, you must ingest foods that are rich in vitamins, minerals and other nutrients. To lose weight, you must expend more calories than you consume, which is made easier by combining a rigorous exercise regimen with nutrient-dense, low-calorie foods. That’s really it. However, because it’s difficult to make a profit by telling people to “eat sensibly,” many companies are quick to attach creative names and labels to their otherwise common-sense “diet plans.” Because there are so many on the market (a market which should not exist), U.S. News did you, the consumer, the favor of rating a whole slew of diets based on effectiveness in achieving a given goal.

Coming in at #1 overall is the DASH diet, which is thankfully not associated with the Kardashian-owned boutique chain of the same name. Developed in part by the The National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute (NHLBI), the diet aims to control blood pressure and hypertension, two leading contributors to heart disease, the leading cause of death in the United States. The plan is a pretty straightforward adaptation of the food pyramid: Eat lots of things you’ve known your entire life to be good for you (fruits, vegetables, whole grains and lean protein), and stay away from things you already know to be bad for you (sweets, foods high in saturated fat and red meat). Plan your calorie intake according to your age and activity levels, reduce salt intake and boom: Health.

Coming in second was the TLC diet, which, again, is thankfully not associated with the television network that feeds us surely unhealthy programs like “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

For weight loss purposes, the Weight Watchers plan ranked #1. Using a complicated and very secret algorithm, Weight Watchers assign “points” to individual food items, making it easier for adherents to keep calorie intake under control. Along with regular support (and forced public weigh-ins) at meetings, the diet claims a weight loss rate of around two lbs per week. One fun fact about Weight Watchers is that upon reaching their goal weight, users who drop out of the program find it difficult to maintain their weight without the assistance of the points system and conveniently branded foodstuffs. Following Weight Watchers were the Jenny Craig (a similar idea) and Mayo Clinic (ostensibly harder to follow due to lack of convenient “points” guidance) plans.

The real shocker? Ranked last in overall best diets was the Paleo Diet, the darling of naturalists and CrossFit junkies the world over. The diet claims to be based around the way paleolithic humans would have eaten, which is something no scientists or historians are able to agree upon. Essentially a low-carb system, the paleo diet places emphasis on anything available prior to the agricultural revolution. That means things like legumes and processed grains are out, and all sorts of meats, fish, fruits and vegetables are in. Despite boasting benefits ranging from weight loss to increased health and vitality, researchers have yet to be able to verify any of these claims.

This has been your annual reminder that snake oil should not be a part of any effective, balanced diet.