Holly Madison’s life in the Playboy Mansion seemed like a dream come true in the E! reality series The Girls Next Door, but the former Playboy Bunny reportedly became so depressed that she considered suicide during her time as Hugh Hefner’s primary girlfriend. In her upcoming memoir Down The Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures And Cautionary Tales Of A Former Playboy Bunny, Madison promises to give readers a behind-the-scenes look at the depression, drugs, sex, parties and abuse she experienced inside the notorious Mansion.

Holly Sue Cullen was only twenty-one when she transformed from a small-town Oregon girl into her Playboy Bunny alter ego. While outsiders believed she had a fairytale life filled with A-list celebrity parties and a No. 1 rated television show for four years, Madison’s tell-all will reportedly reveal that she had an “oppressive routine of strict rules, manipulation, and battles with ambitious, backstabbing bunnies.”

“Life inside the notorious Mansion wasn’t a dream at all and quickly became her nightmare,” states a release from publisher HarpeCollins. “After losing her identity, her sense of self-worth and her hope for the future, Holly found herself sitting alone in a bathtub contemplating suicide.”

In The Girls Next Door, fans learned that Madison was Hefner’s number one girlfriend, since Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson slept in their own bedrooms while she shared a room with the Playboy founder. While she is now married and has a daughter with Electric Daisy Carnival organizer Pasquale Rotella, Madison’s publisher admits that it took “great courage” for her to move on from her difficult life with Hefner and the other Playboy Bunnies.

“I’m excited to finally share my story and what I’ve learned from my personal experiences both inside and outside of the Playboy Mansion,” Madison told Us, adding that she thinks her stories will surprise readers and clear up many of the misconceptions people have been making about her life for years.